Further Down The Spiral: A Refutation of a Texan's Arrogance.

*NOTE: I wrote the following on the evening of Friday June 9th 2006.

My hopes were to demonstrate, in an unbiased manner, to my friends born/living in Texas that there are in fact beautiful women in Oklahoma.

I became disturbed by what I saw.

I am unclear as to whether or not it was a restless night or an afternoon in the sun that is responsible. But, suffice it to say, my efforts and research led me further down a spiral to a place I did not know existed.

Below is the true and accurate accounting of my descent.

I was born in Oklahoma.

I was raised in Oklahoma.

I currently reside in Oklahoma.

I love a great many things about Oklahoma.

The women of Oklahoma are no exception.

In August of 1998 I moved to Abilene, Texas. There, I lived for 4 years as I attended Abilene Christian University... an institution you all know is incredibly near and dear to my heart.

During that time, I grew to love a great many things about Texas... authentic Mexican food... west Texas sunsets... drivers who pull to the shoulder thereby allowing others to pass... and Texas women. Yet, I also grew to loathe the near incessant confirmation of the Texans' stereotypical arrogance.

*NOTE: I recognize that some of the comments and presentations made in association with "LegalKnievel" are incredibly arrogant and imperious. Please know that they are also incredibly hyperbolic... exaggerations made in compensation for self-perceived inferiorities... much like this ridiculously high-minded voice I adopt when writing this crap... I'm only half-serious with it.

A prime example of said arrogance was recently made by this guy...

Seth Denson... who works here.

I have played golf with Seth. I have floated a river with Seth. Consequently, I have drank beer with Seth. I have even enjoyed the indescribably delectable goodness of Seth's mother's baked beans. Seth is cool and o.k. by me.

Still, Seth is an ignorant fool when it comes to the women of Oklahoma. A fact evidenced by a MySpace comment he left me yesterday stating "... you know what they say you call a good lookin' girl you in in [sic] OK... yep, a tourist."

I failed to mention that Seth is also incredibly funny.

Really.

My delima... how to respond? I could have taken the easy route and exposed the obvious...

Each year, the budget of the Texas State Department of Education is more than the budget in toto for the State of Oklahoma. Yet Seth, a native of Midland, TX, is unable to string together more than a dozen words without running into serious grammatical trouble. There must be something in that Permian water.

Doubt me?

Here's another Midland native with whom you are most likely familiar...



But I couldn't go that route. It would be too easy and, despite his Greco-Roman wrestling matches with the English language, I like W.

So, again... what to do? Simply showing a few pictures of attractive women from Oklahoma wouldn't be an effective counter...

Regrettably Unknown, Norman

See? That's just me saying "This girl is pretty." without any sort of objective confirmation.

I also considered comparing famous females from Oklahoma to famous females from Texas. But sadly, for every...

Carrie Underwood, Checotah

there seems to be a...

Reba McEntire, Kiowa

And that's just not helpful. It's not helpful because it clearly demonstrates that Oklahomans do not have to be particularly beautiful in order to achieve fame or any modicum of notoriety. There is no objective confirmation.

I then turned to our good friends at Miss America.org who have been objectively confirming America's most beautiful unwed women since 1921.

I was pleased to learn that my fellow Oklahomans have faired quite well in this competition.

Norma Smallwood, Tulsa, 1926

Jane Jayroe, Laverne, 1967

Susan Powell, Elk City, 1981

Shawntel Wuerch, Muldrow, 1996

Jennifer Berry, Tulsa, 2006

Granted, the picken's in the mid-1920s appears to have been somewhat slim. But, there is no denying Oklahoma's standing in this noble competition.

A tiara count shows Oklahoma is currently tied with Pennsylvania for second place (5) behind California and Ohio (6). But, is this an accurate representation of the beauty possessed by Oklahoma's women?

Sadly, I cannot say that it is. As well-rounded a woman as Miss America is meant to be, none of the above can be said to represent Oklahoma's "Everywoman". I realized that competitive qualification as "beautiful" filters those who had not applied to be qualified. That is to say, Miss America is choosen from a pool not representative of an accurate sampling of women.

This realization was frustrating. This frustration prompted a Googling in hopes of seeing if anyone before me had considered this. The Googling of "Oklahoma Women" returned a link to Oklahoma Personals Online.com.

*NOTE: Again, I cannot explain why this result, instead of any of the others, seemed promising...

Lack of sleep? Possibly.

Heat exhaustion? Perhaps.

Abduction by an alien race preoccupied with voiding humans of their ability to make rational decisions? My GOD how I was that were so... Check out how I try to somehow rationalize my choice in this next paragraph... pitiful...

Granted, these are women who have turned to internet-based personal ads in hopes of finding a companion. So, psychologically, things are most likely not as they should be. But the question is not one regarding soundness of mind. Rather, it is one regarding possession of beauty.

A simple search for straight females, ages 20-30, resulted in a listing of women that, initially, was encouraging...

*NOTE: The following are screen captures of the first 16 individuals in the listing... in their EXACT order... accompanied by my initial reaction to each.


WELL... hi'do ma'am...


And a hardy hello to you as well there Kindle...


Is "grace" by any chance a reference to your Christian faith? If so, I say "OUTSTANDING!"


And hello to you as well Sunkiss... Pardon me for pointing this out but, corals and peaches might not be the right answer when choosing your background... a tad too monochromatic...


Ok... well... ummmm... by "A Few Extra Pounds" do you mean the double chin you're trying to hide or the 3 year-old you've cropped out of you picture?


WHOA... I thought my search terms included the words "straight" and "female"?


Oh my dear... ummm... Honey, that is not a Twinkie...


Ok... so um, like... I have a question... can you acquire an addiction to methamphetamines simply by looking at someone?


... ... ... [blink] ... ... ... [blink] ... ... ... [blink] ... ... ...


"Lives Alone"... ya don't say... you sure you don't wanna count that stack of Dominos boxes as a current roommate?


My penis just ran away...


I am 26... there is simply no way you are 28...


And by "Clean Cut" do you, gril of cutcow, mean to say "Freshly Shaven"?


Yes... yes... I too am now turning to the sun in hopes of having my eyes seared uselessly shut...


HOLY SHIT...


Ok... that's it... THAT... IS... IT!!! Cotton-Eyed-Joe here CLEARLY indicates that this site is obviously some kind of hoax...

*NOTE: I kid you not dear readers... That was the progression.

I can only assume the webmaster of OklahomaPersonalsOnline made the executive decision to put the proverbial "best foot forward" as opposed to presenting a random sampling.

I have no words...

I am at a complete and total loss...

But...

Trust me...

There are beautiful, psychologically sound women in Oklahoma...

I have seen them...

I have even been associated with a few...

I have also heard of others in stories and song...

Honest.